Taylor's Recovery Story
"One day? or day one. You decide" - Taylor
Hi guys! Taylor here, a 27 year old who is daily outnumbered by being the mom of two spunky / mischievous little men, Nixon (7) and Rhodes (3). I Grew up in a small town in Northern BC, and recently quit drinking, during a world wide pandemic. Whaaatt!? I am hitting my 6 month milestone this month, and am feeling all the emotions of that. I started drinking in my grade 8 year, so about age 14 and once I started, I didn’t really stop, except during my pregnancies. For almost 15 years, alcohol controlled my world even as I became a mom, twice. Don’t get me wrong, my kids have always been my number one, but my addiction to alcohol turned me into a less than version of myself that they didn’t deserve.
I’ve always known I’ve had a bit of an issue with alcohol, I felt it was in my blood because my biological “dad” struggles as well. But as my therapist told me, that doesn’t actually exist. What exists is the way you see alcohol consumption growing up and thinking that is the norm. I’ve done the dry Januarys and took time off from after my kids were born I never thought I had a real addiction problem until I was so far in it. About a year ago two of my closest friends came to me worried about how much I was drinking, I didn’t think I was at a place where “I had to quit for life” and continued to drink. I was fearful of never drinking again. In that, I lost both of those friends.
A month later I decided on my own terms, after listening to “This Naked Mind - Annie Grace” I wanted to quit. That lasted about 2.5 months, and after a really good therapy appointment I came home and drank. Figure that one out. That one drink ended up being 2 full months of binge drinking and throwing me into a massive depression. I hit an all time low and I truly didn’t care if I lived or not anymore. I felt there was no way out of the life I was living, I was doing things out of character because my self-esteem was so low, I hated the person I was looking at the in the mirror, I didn’t understand it, and my kids were thrown into the middle of the mess I created. It was then, I realized I had hit my rock bottom and decided it was time to make a change, because if not now, when?
On May 19th 2020, I was given my life back. I knew something had to change if I was gonna be successful in recovery, I tried AA and it wasn’t for me. So I started listening to how to quit books, books about alcohol and how it effects you, books on how to rewire your brain to change what you have been taught about alcohol. I started following sobriety pages on Instagram, personally watched people I love overcome addiction and admired them. I had hard conversations with the people I love most including my 7 year old son. Simply said, I finally stopped fearing not drinking and made recovery a priority. I won’t lie to you, recovery isn’t easy, it is hard, it’s lots of tears and really damn messy. It’s ups and downs, highs and lows, cravings and “almosts” giving in.
All of the feelings and hard emotions I masked with alcohol came back with a vengeance. Although sitting with my feelings instead of drinking to push them away can be an uncomfortable place, it’s the only place that will move me forward. Even in recovery there will be heartbreak, pain, and sadness and each time I am learning to deal with it all in different ways.
On a lighter note, there are so many incredible things I’ve found since I’ve quit drinking. I can still hang, have fun and laugh with the people I love and remember it all. But most importantly my children’s childhoods, the big moments in life, the ones you never get back. I can truly soak it in. Next to my kiddos, recovery is the greatest choice I’ve made in my life.
I hope one day they look back on their younger years and remember that their mom was present. Fully in the moment with them, and remember that I was there. I hope they feel inspired by the choices I made and that pushes them to do better. Saying no to alcohol and yes to living my life to the fullest was the best thing I could of ever done for myself and the people around me. Wherever you are on your recovery journey, just remember that tomorrow is always a new day and the tough ones don’t last forever. You are strong, capable and worthy of the life you want to live. All it takes is one small step in the right direction. ☀️🤍🌈🌸
I am very open and honest about my recovery on my Instagram, you can find, follow or even just reach out if you’d like @tay.radke